What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up, 42 and Undecided
Anyone ever have that feeling that everything is steadily moving forward around you but you’re the only one not participating? In case you're reading this and you haven’t let me tell you what an awful feeling to be stuck in your own head and being the only one unable to make fast, wise decisions. How does everyone else do it? You get up go to work and then come home at the end of the day or if you're so lucky, just pop on a nice shirt and start your zoom meetings from home.
Lately, I have been wondering why at age 42 I am uncomfortable with making a decision and sticking to it.
My kids are grown, moved away, hubby is doing his thing… me, still waiting for God to command me to MOVE!! Or has He, yet I have become a Jacob and soon the big whale will swallow me whole and show me true darkness. Am I lazy? I have just read All Laziness Is Spiritual Laziness by Phylicia but truly I am not, I just lack inspiration, passion, commitment…
I have researched it and have found that perhaps I am mixing my wants with my likes and I have realized I have no needs? Hard choices versus easy ones… as I listened in on Ted Talk: How To Make Hard Choices by Ruth Chang however, I did learned that I have power! Wha-at? What I really lack is passion. I pursue things zombified, I am a drifter.
At this moment, I am surviving at all cost, otherwise, I begin to think, I will starve (assuming anything happens to hubby) and then I will be homeless. So I work, I clean houses, I fix other peoples messy homes and I smile politely because well, they are pursuing their passion of course. I am left wondering, “how did they find it?” In the mist of it one child asks, “you must really enjoy doing this” sure kid because allowing my house to fall apart would be something to look forward to, hope you wake from your nightmare soon… I simply answer with, “it’s my job”.
Every turn of the day, I see people, some accomplished and others accomplishing but even so, they are moving towards a realistic goal. I wash the countertop of their kitchens and get hot water to scrub their floors clean, no one gets in my way.
I have tried learning drop shipping, becoming a realtor, an insurance agent, a gem/jewelry consultant, worked in administration yet I don’t feel like I am doing anything that I can say “whoa this is my calling!” or the least enjoy it.
I soon began to see how people relate to one another in the office setting and quickly learned everyone wants to be the boss but no one is leading.
It was in housekeeping where I learned how to delegate my own work and I didn’t have to put up with micromanaging. Yes, it is dreadful work, especially when you don’t have a partner. It’s tedious, strenuous and some days it literally dries out my bones from how much elbow grease I put into one house in particular. In the end I believe to have gone beyond the norms of OCD to accomplish a miracle only I can determine worthy.
I will keep this up until I can “Find Your Niche in 60 Minutes or Less With These 4 Questions” as some swear by it, or something that speaks to me, moves me. Honestly, I am not there yet and I have just noticed I’ve been reading up on old material. Does this really matter?
Bottom-line, I am interested in knowing how anyone ended up enjoying what they are doing today?
Please Help, I’m sure at my age I should be worried I don’t have a career.
-A
